I have been stubbornly convincing myself that I must solve everything myself. And then I blame the world for putting me in this position. If anyone, I put myself here.
I tend to take on the weight of the world on my shoulders. Not because anyone asked me. I guess I do it because I feel that’s what I’m supposed to. It’s a program. I’ve installed it quite uncritically, and it’s ruling my life, my reality. It manifests in a way that when things get tough, I usually just work harder. I hustle and grind, lock myself in, and take on a tunnel vision. This is not a productive tunnel vision of clear focus and determination. It’s more like the fog of war – I initiate many different things, but never see them to completion. I don’t take time to prioritize what is for now, and what is for later. I completely forget what is important and what is urgent – so easily distinguishable through the Eisenhower Matrix (more on this wonderful model in a later post).
This program is a perfect recipe for burnout and self-loathing. Instead of taking a moment to assert myself that I am worthy of love, that I am always good enough, and that whatever happens, I will be okay, I start judging others for adding to my burdens. Of course, there are no-one but myself who are adding to my burdens. I am the master of my fate. After all, I am a living man with sovereign faculties of choice. When I forget my innate faculties, I start getting a sore neck and shoulders. It usually starts in the uppermost vertebrate, which is called the atlas disk. The name derives from atlas, who is the Greek good carrying the world on his shoulders. This is me and the role I assume; and I bear the consequences quite fitting for my self-chosen misery.
Now I am here, again, with a bit of a sore neck and the feeling of the weight of the world on my shoulders. There is what feels like a ton of work on my plate. My wife is sick, our daughter so full of energy. We have little revenue in the business, and we have few liquid assets. It feels like the abyss is slowly approaching, and my helplessness is starting to surge. It’s time to make inventory of my tools and lifelines. I have this writing exercise to help me out. It’s quite therapeutic. It helps me sort my thoughts and get some perspective. We also have my parents-in-law visiting this weekend. They have been wonderful in hanging out with their granddaughter. That’s a huge help, for sure. I also have my own family to call upon, however this relationship needs a lot of care and attention before I trust enough to open. I have Sami, a master shaman I am working with who is always supportive in this soul growth adventure. I also have friends I know I can call upon. They can listen, come with suggestions, be a shoulder to cry on. If not literally, then at least figuratively – I haven’t managed to cry for years (and that’s a topic for another post down the line).
I have many lifelines out there. I know this in my heart, and I rejoice. The burden already feels much more manageable thinking of all that I have. However, I don’t know what to ask for help with. And I generally don’t feel confident asking for someone’s help. It could be so little as asking someone to hold the door. I’d rather just do it myself. Of course, it requires clarity for myself to know what I need help with. I don’t expect someone else to know if I don’t know myself. Maybe I should, because I could ask someone to coach me, and I will find the answers within. Then there is also some vulnerability involved with asking for someone’s help. I believe that I need to open my heart and show my true self for someone to truly being able to help me. And again, that is me creating expectations of what others can and cannot do. Opening up is at least where I have the most fear and doubt. Because opening up goes against the program I have installed. It’s a system overwrite. My alarm bells go off. I retreat to judging others as not worthy of helping me, and me not being worthy of others’ help. It’s a catch-22.
A way forward is faith and trust. Not just in myself – I need to trust that others are able to help me. And I need to have faith that I am worthy of their help. For me, trusting is scary, but I know it’s the direction I need to go. As for right now, I have reached a place of equanimity. I managed that through this writing exercise. I’ve found a way to break the spell and initiate some change. As the saying goes – all change starts with the self. I will start by looking within, find silence and connect with my Higher Self. From this place of silence, I’ll have access to more trust and faith which I suspect will manifest in more opportunities. Because I can give more fully of myself and hence receive more fully in return. I will try to put down the weight of the world. When I finally do, I can spread my wings and soar to new heights. Fly on the wings of love.
